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bemyamberglow
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Name: Lauren
Birthday: 2/17/1985
Gender: Female
Interests: anthropology, ayn rand, ballet, eddie izzard, epistemology, existentialism,
free will, goethe, modern dance, music, musical theater, nietzche,
philosophy, piaget, romanticism, sartre, string theory, upanishads, watchmen
Occupation: Artist
Industry: Entertainment
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  bemyamberglow
Member Since:
1/3/2005
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| I have a new home in many ways. I believe I may take my writing somewhere new. I will let you know from here. When I decide. | | |
| I have been hiding from you. I suppose not wanting to face the effort it takes to express myself without the motivation of desperately needing my thoughts validated. But so much swims by in the every day that is worth catching, examining, and throwing back- but not without first immortalizing in text. I suppose it's a step forward that I haven't needed to write, but a also a realization of weakness that I have not.
I am aware of my own irony. You aren't always aware of my context. I want to laugh more, but I want to laugh the laughter of my fullest glowing heart, not the petty laughter of the amused.
I watched Stardust again last night- I felt the urge as I am exploring Neverwhere, one of Neil's earlier novels. The boy says to the captain "Why would you waste all that energy trying to win the acceptance of people you don't even want to be like?" as he himself is the passionate adventurer attempting to win the heart of a materialistic bitch. I have to laud the insight here because so many of us sophomoric aquarian types do this and waste ourselves for so much of our lives.
Why would you try so hard, expend yourself, to win the acceptance of people you don't even want to be like. There are so many of those people in the world.
You know, I feel the most alive learning about the brain, researching neuroscience, piecing together my little philosophico-psychological puzzle, but much of me still longs to light up a stage. I accept my current decision to chase performing, but I find myself weighted by my own sense of urgency and wary of financial neediness. Is indulging the simple pleasure of performing really worth putting off changing the world? I know exactly what my mission will be with my grad prospects. I know exactly what I want to do. I want to be a part of the emerging world of positive psychology- specifically in the field of psychology of the gifted. I want to learn how to get the most out of the worlds world changers and help them get it out of themselves. I want to design and engage the new tools that neuroplasticity makes possible. I salivate at this. I know also that my peers are waiting for me- talks over coffee about meaningfulness and mind await me behind the walls of whatever institution will have me when I choose to go. I want them now. I want them here. I have no patience for myself.
So I am at dusty crossroads. Wanting to be everything I can be all at once.
Little successes in my performing life make me willing to sacrifice a little longer to this apolline altar.
I do look good these days and that is pleasant. Strong. Sexy. I no longer doubt some elements of myself but I wonder when that will wear off.
I have finally been cured of falling in love with people who aren't my psycho-spiritual kin. So that's good but also sort of dank and disappointing. A little lonely on my rock again looking just slightly at that angle you so often get judged for. | | |
| The greatest love that a person can offer another is to tell them the naked truth.
The tragedy of humanity is that so many people forego their right to that love, they do not even want to earn it.
The kind of "love" that people claim, where we always take our beloved's side, always see them as right and good, and offer them support when they deceive themselves is not love but hatred towards everything that a person has the capacity to be.
The people who want that kind of love are those who can not earn honesty by respecting truth inside their own minds.
A society that condemns the wicked, that seeks the fullest truth to be had is a society that allows the best elements of human spirit to flourish.
My truest friends are those who will tell me that I have lied to myself, and not allow it.
Evasion and self deception are indeed the most insidious evils that rob us of our rightful pride, our ability to truly see one another for what we really are.
Truth is beauty, beauty is truth. What is love, without beauty?
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| "It's not that I don't have a heart, it's that my heart is connected to my brain."
Something received out of obligation is meaningless. Something earned is the best kind of gift.
Oxytocin makes you want to cuddle. Chemicals can make an animal mother a child that is not it's spawn. Reasoning can cause changes in brain chemistry. Thinking really does give you influence over your decisions. You are not the product of your chemicals, but often, your emotions are.
Top down is always better than bottom up.
sex/thought/respect/clarity/self/love
looking to the stars.... | | |
| My heart has been broken and put back together, and no, it was not a boy. Reading Atlas Shrugged only shows me the depth of my own disappointment. When you are the one who believes in honesty, when you are the one who plays by the rules, you bear the worst of the secrets and cheating around you. All the poison that people pour into their own souls by refusing to face the judgment due themselves for the truths they manipulate and the things that they hide (and feel buried by, needing things to stay hidden to somehow feel in control when really they are rotting.) gets slung in the face of people who still have faith in striving for common understanding. Who believe that if we are just all honest, we can get past our problems. Honesty does not make us right when we are wrong, but people not knowing you are wrong doesn't either. When you play by the rules with cheaters, you lose.
I hold it as an unshakable truth that communication is never bad, and that reason is our only weapon against savagery. Yes, I need to learn to stay out of issues that are not my own, but others need to learn to not lure everyone around them into their issues by tossing hints, comments, and bits and pieces under their noses. That kind of behavior just begs people to draw their own often misled conclusions. It breeds questions and doubt, and eventually gossip and mistrust.
Nothing that involves human emotions is isolated. When people do not face what is true about themselves, both inside themselves and with others, the effects of the truth still ripple through their lives. The thing being hidden leaves a trail, and everyone can smell it.
I don't hide things because they do not stay hidden, and the hiding only drains away my freedom to hold my head up and my pride.
Somehow, however hard it may be, it is better to be judged and punished for the things we do according to our own principles, or sometimes for the crimes we commit even against ourselves- than to carry the weight of our squeaky clean mask, to smile and pretend that we are perfect, knowing inside that no one sees who we really are.
It has been said of me that I have a big mouth and cannot keep secrets. That is largely true, because I am ill practiced at it. I can however, recognize a situation where more harm than good can come from speaking of a subject, and not speak of it. If I do not believe that to be the case (which most often I don't) I have a very fragile filter. A weakness? perhaps. But at least related to thought out convictions that I hold about the nature of honesty and openness.
So let this ring as a warning: If you have something to hide, keep it out of my face. I don't lie to protect liars.
Hiding things should only be done when it's in the honest best interest of everyone involved. Not when people simply don't have the balls to be honest with themselves.
My heart was broken because I had no idea how much this kind of poison can burn, and how many people are carrying it. My heart breaks for those trapped underneath their own confusion.
The truth will set you free, he said.
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